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Move On From The Friend Who Couldn’t Move with You February 4, 2015

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Friendships, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Moving, Relationships.
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I find that it’s the same old story – you meet new people, you make connections, before you know it you’re going out for drinks, getting together for birthdays, and telling them your deepest thoughts and fears. Then, you get a new job, you relocate, you go to school and the friends that promised you now and forever can’t even make time to send a two-line text. It’s really flabbergasting, and it’s not okay. Sometimes it’s scary to admit that you’re sad, sometimes it’s embarrassing to say that someone just simply didn’t want to be your friend for no good reason, but someone’s got to say it so others know that it’s not just them.

Many of our loyal readers know that DLIH relocated to Chicago over a year ago. Prior to this move, I wrote some of my favorite people an e-mail, explaining my decision to move, and thanking them for always being so supportive of me. In response to this e-mail I received a very heartfelt note about how sad and shocked one of my girlfriends was about my move, we weren’t the best of friends but we had become closer and I was equally as touched by her letter and sad that we wouldn’t be seeing each other regularly anymore. When I said goodbye, I cried and I hugged her and I never one thought we’d never talk again…but we really never did. Shortly after relocating, I texted her for some advice, and got a fairly normal but slightly short response. There were a couple of jokes shared between us, mostly me on the joking end and her simply answering “haha”, or “LOL”. Slowly, the responses stopped, and one night, when I found out she was thinking about coming to Chicago I sent a message telling her to let me know because I’d love to see her, but a nothing came of it. I realized that we weren’t friends, and we weren’t ever going to be again. And it really sucked. (more…)

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Things New Yorkers Dream Of August 9, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Apartment Life, Around Chicago, Around NYC, Following Your Dreams, Humor, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Moving, Shopping.
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You may have noticed it’s been a little while since anything new has surfaced at DLIH; if you’ve been reading for a while, you’ll also remember that almost this time last year DLIH made it’s long and exciting move from the bustling city of New York to Chicago. When you get older, your desires for how you want to exist change, you make choices about where you want to live and how you want to structure your life. Your age changes, and so does your quality of life. Chicago was a quality of life move, and while New York is still the most bad-ass, capital of the entire universe, moving can give the opportunities that are sometimes impossible elsewhere. So, if you’re wondering why DLIH has been a little more silent than usual…well, you could say that SK has been spending a little bit of time enjoying the things she always dreamed of.
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Running through your apartment…and not hitting any walls. Moving is relentless, it always finds a way to go wrong, or take forever, or cost you your soul. Living in New York, there are generally three main things you need to take into account; distance to public transportation, rent, and how shady the neighborhood might be. Size, really isn’t an objective since size and rent are proportionate to one another. You get what you get, and you don’t get upset, and you hang lots of shelves and make lots of storage units to house all the things you just don’t have room for. Until you get a place that lets you chase your cat all over the place without hitting a wall, or tripping over a shoe, and has a kitchen you can actually cook Thanksgiving in, and not just try to.

Trying to figure out what to do with you empty closest, and by closets, we don’t mean spare bedrooms. Actual closets. That are empty. And you actually don’t have stuff to put in them. And you wonder what you would possibly even buy to put in them. Staying with that theme – kitchen cupboards that needs more of the “cup” part and less of the “board”.

Doing your own laundry, in your own washer and dryer, in your own apartment, and it’s free. You don’t need to climb flights of stairs, you don’t need to run back to make sure no one steals your unmentionables, you don’t need to go to the nearest convenience store to get change for a dollar and you don’t need to lug it all back home. It’s just there! You can wash one thing, you can wash fifty!

grocery530Driving in a car you own! For people who are not from New York, let me educate you, many teenagers who are raised in Manhattan don’t learn to drive, and those who do, rarely actually exercise that talent. You don’t need to because public transit will get you anywhere, and with the traffic and aggressiveness of driving, you don’t really want to. Second point, owning a car in the city is dirty expensive – between parking, the nicks and dings, and I would assume city taxes alone, it’s not at all profitable – plus gas, not just paying for it, but having to find it. Let me tell you – the first time you drive your own car, to the grocery store, and get everything you need, and put it in the trunk, and then simply carry it back to your fridge, your head will explode with joy. [insert head exploding sound here]

So, it’s been an amazing couple of weeks outside of the DLIH world, but fear not loyal readers – we’re still here, with just a little more space to work with 🙂

 

The One-Sided Relationship January 23, 2014

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Dating, Friendships, GoodGuys File, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Moving, Real World, Relationships, Women.
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The GoodGuys File

She’s sitting there, at her best friend’s birthday, having the time of her life…but somehow, not having fun at all. She’s with all her friends, but she feels alone, like she’s one of those fundraiser goal meters and she’s reached the top of her party limit. It’s not her fault, we’ve all been there, with a few drinks down, and a couple of laughs in, your mind starts to drift to the one person you wish was there…but he isn’t.

Liking someone can often be the worst feeling in the world. No matter how many bumps you’ve been through, or the number of times you’ve broken up, or even moments where you thought you could admit your feelings, but then chickened out. Liking someone can also be the best; somewhere inside our little minds we like torturing ourselves, sitting in our bed, dreaming about that person, and the potential future, gives us butterflies and makes our endorphins dance. It’s a complicated, hormonal and emotional journey and no matter what, you’ll always learn from it, good or bad. So, at want point in the journey is enough day dreaming, enough?

Sometimes one-sided relationships have a hold on you, a hold that can start turning your world from exciting to disastrous. Even if you like each other and there are “obstacles”, or you are a couple, but it’s clear that your significant other isn’t pulling their weight and you’re just hanging out, avoiding the breakup, because you still like them so much. Relationships are very basic creatures: two people, who care about each other, wanting to make each other happy, and make an adult decision to be together. All the nitty-gritty details come after that. One-sided relationships can cause more harm than good, and almost never end up the way you want them to.

There is nothing to be gained from staring at your phone on Valentines Day, convincing yourself he or she will call; leaving the party early because you’d rather be in bed, in your jammies, watching really bad (coughGreat!) Nicholas Sparks movies; or talking your friend’s ear off, for the third month in a row, about how things like work, and family have been getting it the way, but you two know you’re “meant to be together” and are just letting things come “naturally”. Take it from someone else’s awful experiences, being “unofficially” together for almost two years, off and on, ends in lots of crying and lots of feeling betrayed, even though they haven’t actually done anything. Getting serenaded on your birthday in a surprise phone call results in collapsing into your friends arms crying, in public, when he never shows up to your party, after promising to do so; And listening to statements like “I just need to get my life together, but if I was dating anyone, it would be you”, is followed-up with them getting into a relationship two months later…and not with you. So, if you needed further proof that one-sides relationships are a road to nothing and no where, DLIH and friends can supply it.

Cut the cord. Easier said than done. So, you have two options, and both are viable as long as you know how they’re going to go, and stop convincing yourself that everything will magically end like a Disney movie. You can cold turkey it. You can just stop all communication, and force yourself to un-like this person, even though that will realistically take a while. It will be hard, and hurt, and you’ll want to fall back into it, but you’ll have to hold yourself back. The other option, to just power through it, let yourself like this person, let yourself end nights early to go home and wonder if they’ll text you, but if you’re going to go this route remember that it’s like a cold, the only way to end it is to suffer through it, you’re not going to wake-up tomorrow morning and run a marathon. You have to be realistic, you have to know what’s going on, you’re letting yourself stay in contact with this person with the intention of eventually getting over them, not with the intention of ending up with them. So, neither is easy, and neither is very fair, but unless you’ve got a fairy God-Mother who can fix it all in a bopitty-boo, then these are your solutions.

So, gather up the friends (the good ones, who want you to feel better), a couple bottles of wine, a box of Kleenex, and get through it together. Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel…the tunnel is just very, very, very long, and full of oddly shaped turns and spears that jet out, trying to kill you. You’ll make it, we all have, and one day soon, you’ll be staring at your phone because it’s 2:30am and you’re still out having a great time with just your buddies and that cute guy in the corner.

Everybody Needs a Tribe September 20, 2013

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Friendships, Life Lessons/Growing Up, Moving, Real World, Relationships.
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If I were to go and live in China, I think I’d find out pretty quickly that I don’t have much in common with the people there. To start, I don’t really speak the language (well, I don’t speak it at all, expect -” dumplings”), I wouldn’t know how to get around, or where good or bad areas are, and most of all the culture would be totally lost on me. Sure, overtime I could adapt and become one with the locals, but I’d always be missing that internal part of me that’s totally American and needs things like Monday night football.

It seems bizarro that you can grow up in an area and reach a point where you begin to relate to no one. Some people are born with certain values and goals, grow up, get older and maintain those values, but for many of us, growing up is a process of understanding which values are important and how they relate to, or help form our goals. After living in New York for fourteen years it seemed odd when I began to feel like an outsider and I went on an epic search to find a place I fit in.

For those who don’t know, I lived in Iowa for eight years as a child. I pretty much believe I got the best of both worlds; the traditional, wholesome American dream in the classic American suburb and the busy, eclectic, big city world of New York. So, somewhere inside I was a mutt and no one from New York could really understand, and no one from Iowa could really understand. You have to find a place where you belong and sometimes moving is the only thing that’s going to give you that tribe you’re looking for. However, leaving one tribe to find another is kind of like leaving the pack of wolves that raised you – on one hand, they’re wolves and you’re not and you’re never going to be one, but on the other hand, they raised you and the habits and traditions you have are all you know.

tumblr_mem6sh2E4M1rq5r25o1_500Ever since relocating, I not only feel like I can be myself but I’m surprised with the level of camaraderie in my everyday conversations. Moving can result in feeling very lonely, I only know a handful of people here, and don’t talk to too many people on a daily basis while I’m still unemployed. However, the small conversations I do have prove that, while I’m not accustomed to all the traditions yet, I’ve found my tribe. Even basic things like “Oh, I have a sweet tooth” or “My boyfriend went to college there” result in these great conversations with cashiers, bankers, or people on the train. I remember being in New York and being so annoyed with either A. having to carry on a conversation that wasn’t interesting or B. starting a conversation and then realizing there was nothing to talk about. Now, don’t misunderstand, I’m not the crazy lady who’s going up to people in the street and saying “Hey! You think they serve beer here? You new? You been here before? I come here sometimes, they don’t always have beer.” (Direct quote from crazy lady I “met” yesterday, by no fault of my own), but when I’m meeting people, whether in a job interview or just at the store, I enjoy talking about something other than the weather.

Sometimes when you live in an area, where you don’t feel like you fit in, you continue to blame yourself. Similar to High School, you just want to be part of everyone else’s group, when you naturally don’t, you wonder what it is about you that makes you so unfittable, Well, rather than trying to mold yourself like a pile of Play-dough, you have to find the right mold in which you already fit. Things like customs, traditions, knowing the area like the back of your hand, all that will come. Take it from someone who could literally get around New York with her eye’s closed, not knowing names of roads or the entire public transportation map is really uncomfortable and a feeling I haven’t felt…ever, but I know that these are minimal things that will come.

There are two kinds of uncomfortable, being uncomfortable for being who you are is something you should never feel, but being uncomfortable because you’re taking an adventure in something new will make you stronger as a person. Don’t be afraid to go out and find your tribe, even if it takes a while, even if it’s a little out of your comfort zone.

An Interview with a Mover September 16, 2013

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Life Lessons/Growing Up, Moving, Real World.
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So…back before I was moving, I faced such a barrage of questioning that I actually stopped going to get-togethers and decided against having a going away party because I didn’t want to spend my night of fun as a night of the third degree. However, I recognize that my DLIH family may be curious about the answers to these questions and may even be contemplating moving themselves, so I felt it was important to take the time to address these questions (while I’m working on finding my inspiration).

Why did you move? There are a lot of reasons I chose to leave New York. The largest and main reason was simply growing up. When you’re 21, 22 even 23 you’re in this amazing mental place where you know and understand the inevitable future but you’re in a euphoria of experiences. One day, you’re walking in the park (literally or metaphorically) and you realize you’re not that 22-year-old anymore…in fact…you’re leaving bars because the music is too loud, saying things like “it’s past my bedtime” when it’s midnight and realizing that you have complete recollection of 1992, the birth year of 21 year olds today. So, you start to think, about actually having a family, and getting married, getting engaged and buying a house and once you start thinking about that, you start thinking about your career. Here, one of two things happens, you either feel like an entire brick wall just fell on you, or you feel clear-headed and excited. Well, I felt the former. I always knew I wanted to have a family outside of New York, but didn’t know where I could possibly fit in and make a life for myself. After a year of discussion and research, I found a place I was happy (fingers crossed!)

The second biggest reason for my move was that I was simply ready for a new chapter. Someone special once told me that each city he lived in was like a different important woman in his life – one city was his mother, it was his favorite city, but he didn’t want to live in it; the next was his ex, it was the city of fun and carelessness, but he never wanted to go back; the third was his wife, the city he wanted to spend the rest of his life in. New York was like my long-term relationship. From about 16-24 I was the quintessential New Yorker, you could see me from miles away, I adored New York. Then, New York started changing, and I started changing, we began arguing, but then I’d see the skyline and remember why I loved it so much. Still, overtime, New York and I realized we weren’t right for each other…we loved each other, but there was no marriage in our future. As we all know, when you stay with someone too long it starts to turn ugly, and it did with us. So I got my own place, ended the relationship and now we’re happy being really great friends. Sometimes, you just know that you need to start the next phase of you life and to do it, you’ve got to start clean.

Why Chicago? Well…it’s a major city and it has everything I need, but it’s quieter, slower and more in line with certain values I was raised on. It’s closer to many of my friends and family and my significant other’s friends and family. It was the only other city, outside of New York, that I could see myself living in and buying a property in. It was the “I’m going to live here forever” moment you have sometimes…it was my “wife city”. In Russia, people say “Tourism isn’t life”, and this is true, it could all go horribly wrong, but after moving around a while, I think I’m pretty clear on what I wanted and needed. It’s like city dating, when you find the right one, you know.

Did you get a new job? How do you find a place? Do you know anyone there? Cold turkey my friends. I had moved before, I had lived in Europe, but it was always all very organized and calculated. I’d never just ended my life, picked up my things, and moved. I didn’t know I could go through life without ever experiencing that, and since I’m not one for backpacking (and actually, I hate moving) I knew it was now or never. I saved up a bunch of money, we found a place, moved in – bruises and sore muscles to prove it, and voila! City discovering and job hunting commence! Now accepting resumes for friends.

Weren’t you scared? I could never do that. Yeah, I used to think I could never do this either. As a good friend put it “SK, you’re very organized, you just like to know what to expect, so if things go wrong, you can fix them. You just like to be prepared” but something comes over you to give you the courage to do it. Maybe it’s the mentality of not having anything to lose, or maybe it’s the excitement of something new. Mostly, it was something I really, really, really, really, really, REALLY wanted and when you want something that bad, when you dream about it daily, it’s not scary to go after your dream because the reward is greater than the risk.

Were you sad? Yes…and no. Leaving my home of sixteen years wasn’t easy, there we tears but so much of the city had changed. Many of my favorite stores and restaurants, places I grew up, had closed recently and instead of feeling like the young, vibrant, New Yorker, I felt really old next to the wide-eyed nineteen year olds on the subway who had just arrived. It was like day old bread, there’s a fresh batch in the oven and no one wants you. I realized that New York would always be there, waiting for me, but it would also never be the same again, new stores will open and my favorite places will be remodeled. It was less about leaving and more about letting go, which as we know, is a part of life.

How do you like it so far? You know, when you move you think “I’m going to move and THIS is the way it’s all going to be” and what usually happens is that you get there and rather than it being like THIS it’s all kind of like THAT. Luckily, everything is the way I anticipated and I’m learning to be here and learn the city. There are times I realize I don’t know anything here, people, places, streets and it’s overwhelming but looking back on how far I’ve come, I can only say it’s worth it and in fifteen years this will be my city, the map on the back of my hand, and I’ll laugh at the first few months where I had to use a map, like a tourist.

“A Whole New World” September 13, 2013

Posted by doinglaundryinheels in Life Lessons/Growing Up, Moving, Real World.
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When moving to a new city, there are always obstacles you completely foresee; the lack of friends you’ll have in the area, a whole new public transportation and street route to learn, a bunch of job application that will probably never lead to anything, a handful that will lead to awkward interviews, and money slipping through your fingers faster than you can say “I just moved here!”. Check, check and check! As someone who has moved around a pocket-full of times, I knew what to expect and what to prepare for. What I didn’t prepare for? The total lack of inspiration to write posts!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I have the urge to write truthful and meaningful literature for your seeking eyes, but suddenly everything that seemed so “write” in New York now seems to irrelevant. While I have Pascal hard at work on a number of fun things to tease your minds, I’ve simply felt like I needed to take a moment and regroup, to find brand new inspiration! I feel like a completely new person now, and I’m on my way to feeling like a complete person, so with that comes the voice of DLIH and how each experience I, SK, and Pascal have affect the direction of the site and it’s content.

The other day, I was on the “L” coming back from a White Sox game (Quick! First person to figure out where I moved gets a cookie!) and the girl in front of me was writing, a what?, a blog post! I started spying over her shoulder, (until she figured it out and I had to pull the whole “What?! I’m not looking over your shoulder! Only creepers do that! I was just, ugh, gazing out the window in front of yours so I could get a better view of the concrete! duh! It’s really great quality cement, you know.”) and Ms. Really-Great-Hair-and-an-iPhone4S inspired me. I realized that finding new inspiration in a city wasn’t something I, and only I, would ever go through so while I’m trying to find the right things to rant and rave about, I figured this could be a journey we all take, together :). I’m not a fan of the “play-by-play of my day”, so I’ll try to keep it to a minimum and hopefully the deep and thought-inducing posts will be back soon!

Enjoy some editorials about my move and how I’m adjusting while we figure out the next awesome posts for DLIH!
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– SK

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